Dear Anxiety,
Hello it’s me again. I’m here for our nightly chat, I figure this time I won’t even fight and try to sleep but just give in and let you take over my mind. Where do you want to begin tonight? A recent conversation I’ve had that I felt went completely wrong because I couldn’t get the words out right? The store where I was waiting to check out and didn’t realize the person behind me had way less but it was too late to offer them to get in front of me? They must hate me right? I’m inconsiderate and rude. Yes I noticed my friends are not liking my Facebook statuses and rarely text and yes I agree with you they are backing off and don’t want to be my friend anymore. Why would they want to be my friend anyways? I ask too many questions and constantly need reassurance of my place in their lives because I know I can be a handful but I feel better asking instead of letting you takeover. Yes I know I don’t respond to my mother’s phone calls and I’m selfish because the past is the past and I shouldn’t let it affect me now. Yes I know she only calls when she needs money but she’s my mother and I should be a good daughter even I do barely know her and the memories I have are not great. That’s why I have a hard time communicating with others because I can’t even talk to my own mother. That’s right I’m a failure right?
What if I just got up the nerve to call? What if I just go up the nerve to text? You’re probably right if they wanted to talk to me they would and I would just be bothering them if I did. Did I explain myself enough to my best friend when they had questions? You’re right lets over think this because it’s highly likely I didn’t and came off as a jerk making excuses. Did my friend doubt me when asking to explain the difference between me and you since you are in my mind and my mind is part of me? Or did you do that? You’re right I should check my phone just in case someone tried to text me. Should I have opened up to a friend 5 years ago about taking medication which made me feel sick at the time? What if they tell? What if they somehow find my friends now and tell them? I was stupid for that you’re right and hang on let me check my phone again. How do I explain myself when I can’t even understand most of the time why I am upset or worried? You tell me I can shut it off and it’s all in my head and not to worry then you tell me to think about the way I responded to a person telling me hello 5 years ago and how big of an idiot I sounded. Since we’re on the subject how about now we get off on the what ifs? What if I fail? My writing doesn’t take off and no one reads it? What if everyone I love gets tired of having to deal with me and leaves and I’m all alone? What if I let everyone go would they be better off? I am a burden I know. It’s not fair to anyone to put up with me and you because you consume everything.
The person who thinks I’m hateful passing them in the restroom when it was just a struggle of getting up the courage to go after two hours of debating, the people who see me at the grocery store or gas station that find me rude or odd b/c I look down at my feet and pray no one makes eye contact with me. Some days I find it hard to even go to the gas station or on days the grocery store seems to have a million people crammed in it and I text my friend in the mop aisle in full panic mode asking them to talk to me so I can calm down and get out of there. That’s not fair to them, I must have sounded so childish and stupid yep I see where you call me a burden you’re right. This is when online grocery shopping works best but to the ones who don’t know me they think I’m lazy and now let’s overanalyze the worker loading up my trunk who has seen me a few times now. They must really think I’m lazy right? You want me to think of these things over and over again right?
No amount of crying will help because I’ve tried it and you still insist on racing through my mind every little thing I have done wrong. How do I stop it? Do you want me to give in and let you take over? Do you want me to agree with you? Just tell me what you want because it’s nearing 4 am and I still haven’t slept and my eyes are hurting from crying so much. You tell me every day all the things I do wrong and how I mess up those close to me lives but do you understand that I’m trying? I try each and every day to fight you down and keep you there. You keep rising up and I keep pushing you back. I say I’m fine when asked if I’m okay just as a middle finger to you. You won’t defeat me. The days you don’t arrive are the best and I work for more of those days, I can be the happy upbeat person everyone around me knows and I can face the world without dread and being afraid someone is going to see the dark hideous parts of me. I just want to know everything is okay, when I ask a question it’s not me doubting anyone I just want to make sure I’ve not done anything wrong.
As hateful as you are Anxiety you also cause me to deeply care about everyone close to me so much that I would do anything I could to make them happy and make sure they are okay. You may not allow me to show it in the ways I like but I still fight through. I am not perfect, I am not the smartest, I am not the prettiest, I am not the best to always be around, and I know I am flawed but I am not damaged. I am worthy of love and I am able to give that same love without your input so please shut up and go away. I pray I get some sleep and I pray no one is mad at me or leaves me but I pray that if they did I would be okay. I have been left and I have caused people to leave because they couldn’t figure out what was going on with me and you thought you won but you have not. I’ll keep fighting and I’ll keep trying no matter how much you try to push me I’ll push back. So I’m going to sleep now and I’m going to try and forget about you and your never ending questions. I’m sure you’ll be back soon and I’ll be waiting-waiting for you to cause me to question every single aspect of my day causing me to ask unnecessary questions to loved ones who end up frustrated and confused by me. Waiting-you love to play that game too right? It is my hope to one day defeat you for once and for all but until the day comes just know no matter what you throw at me-I’ll keep fighting and I’ll keep trying.
Robey Wray 