I’m doing something a little different tonight, this isn’t a short story but more about me and something that affects my life every day-depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder.  I wasn’t diagnosed until my mid-twenties but the problems surfaced long before going all the way back to childhood. I hope getting this off my mind/heart tonight will help as a message to others who struggle with the same issues and understand they are not alone while I am in no way, shape, or form a doctor or expert on the matter I can share what I have experienced and still do. 

At 26 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression it was the first time in my life I said out loud to someone I needed help but it was long overdue. I can’t begin to explain just how much of your life it can control if you allow it, sometimes you can catch and prevent it and sometimes you can’t and you are really hard on yourself for it. Friends get upset and leave, family members are confused why you never call them and feel abandoned, random strangers think you’re a bitch for barely smiling in the grocery checkout, and all you can do is pray to keep fighting through as most of these people do not know just how hard it was to even get out of bed that morning. Bipolar can trigger on two different highs but when mixed with depression the two are a nightmare for the mind, I’ve often compared it to standing in a room while constantly switching a light on and off. Depression strikes me harder than bipolar though and more often than I care to admit.

Anxiety-I hate that feeling of dread, sadness, guilt, anger, and fear and at its worse it’s stuck on repeat in your mind and body for days, weeks, sometimes months. I overthink the tiniest of details especially if I’m in situations I’m not comfortable with such as being at functions where I don’t know anyone, I get nervous and stutter and my words get all mangled up into a jumbled mess that leaves me feeling and sounding like Boomhauer from King of The Hill and while I can mostly laugh it as can those close to me it still bothers me that my mind just won’t relax and let me be at times. I remember as a child I avoided birthday parties like the plague and when I did get dragged to them I was the kid who hid in the corner all night staring down at my shoes wishing I was at home. Most people didn’t understand that and found it odd which I guess makes sense but it just goes to show you shouldn’t judge what you do not know or understand. I panic at the thought of having to confront someone often backing out or downplaying the issue to keep from an all out battle however I’ve gotten much better at standing up for myself in recent years but still I loathe the thought of having to do it. I still find myself pacing all through my house nervously if I think someone is mad or upset with me or if I think of an event whether it took place two days ago or 12 years ago and it takes over and I find myself going back and forth arguing with my brain on how I could have handled it differently-in high school I wore down a section of grass in my yard from walking back and forth so much doing this. The worst hits in the middle of the night when you wake up in complete fear with no particular reason finding yourself short of breath and heart racing 100 mph (figuratively speaking) in this case I’ve learned to talk myself down with controlled breathing and prayer. You feel lost in a crowd thinking every person within two feet of you is staring and thinking the same thing you are about yourself that you don’t belong and why did you even bother showing up knowing it wasn’t right. You avoid the news all you can because every bad thing that happens you know at some point will take over your mind obsessing on what to do if you were in whatever situation it may be and this too can lead to late night panic attacks. I also do not like loud noises and can get extremely irritated if I am not careful which leads to frustration that is taken out on any person who happens to be in my sights.

Bipolar-in my experience depression is the king, anxiety the queen, and bipolar is the jester running around making both of them agitated and worse. It’s worse than just being moody although most people in your life will mistake it for that and find you off putting for it. The constant cycle of moods at times is almost unbearable as your mind is basically a circus-lasts for a short period of time but constantly busy swirling all over the place. You can’t keep up with the mood changes neither can the people in your life but be patient with them because sometimes they truly do not understand but most will attempt it though. In a given day when a cycle decides to rear its ugly head I can go from having the best day ever to the worst and can’t even begin to explain how I went from A to Z, my feelings are much more intensified than others-I don’t get slightly mad I get furious, I either have no emotion at all and feel no reason to cry or cry at the drop of a hat over something as trivial as my cat spilling my drink which results in a total meltdown while the cat just goes about his day. I get overly excited and pumped up over nothing, maybe it’s a good song I like came on the radio or my package came in the mail a day early however if I’m in down mode I could win a million dollars and still find a reason to be angry for it. At my worst I’ve lost a few friends over this and I cant blame them for that although nearly all of my friends have accepted me for me and stuck around for the long haul being understanding of things but I have learned to be upfront and honest with those who decide they want to enter my personal life but it’s not anything they can honestly know until they’ve seen it.

Depression-this is my worst enemy and attacks me the most and hardest. I can always tell when a depression cycle is about to happen because everything I love goes from doing it with passion to doing it begrudgingly and treating it as a burden. For example, I have two short stories I set a goal to complete by end of month and I can’t get going long enough to do it but I refuse to let this win. It’s not just being sad and bitter as most think, sometimes you feel nothing and feeling nothing is worse than feeling sad at least in my experience. Depression is a wedge that inserts itself between you and the rest of the world, you want to get up on a  Saturday morning and go shopping but you can’t because the thought of it just doesn’t excite you anymore. The things you find pleasure in become chores as I stated earlier and it is one of the worst feelings in the world to feel incredibly happy and excited over something just to be shot down with one tiny feeling of dread and it snowballs from there. “You look like you’re mad at the world.” “What’s wrong?” “Why are you acting this way?” “It will get better, cheer up.” or here’s the best one “It’s just a bad day, you’ll get over it.” I have heard each of these phrases repeated to me so many times any of them could be my daily mantra. I don’t get upset at the people saying them (anymore) because I know it ‘s coming from a good place and they mean well (most of them) but depression is something you do not just “get over”. Remember earlier my explanation on anxiety and how it makes it hard being in large crowds? You want to go to your favorite band’s concert but you back out the last minute because you start to panic thinking of ways to escape if something bad happened or what if you lose your wallet or the person you’re going with, on the day of said concert you feel sad then anger because once again you let your mental battles get the best of you and this feeling could haunt you for weeks on end that is how my depression links with anxiety. Depression hurts; it hurts to get out of bed, it hurts to make dinner, it hurts to talk to someone you normally love seeing and speaking with, it hurts and it’s a slow painstakingly process getting out of at times.

I don’t share this looking for sympathy or attention, I only ask for a little understanding and not only with me but with anyone in your life who may struggle with a mental illness. This is my life and I have finally found a great support system and routine that works for me but I still have my down days. I’ve tried several medications but I could never find the right fit so to speak, I found one that worked decently but it made me a zombie and took away my creative side almost entirely. After reading and researching many self care plans and applying them to my life I have found I can primarily function without the use of meds but it’s not easy at times and if I feel myself slipping too far I meet with my doctor and get back on as discussed with her. I don’t recommend this for anyone it’s only a plan that I have found works for me and it’s not going straight off meds without any help, I read and write and constantly educate myself on the illness’ I have as well as many others. If you know anyone who has a mental illness be mindful of the mental war waging on their minds as sometimes they can’t tell you what’s wrong because even they don’t know. We have off days and that’s okay we’re not broken or damaged and it makes us stronger fighting this invisible battle. We like socializing but sometimes we just can’t that even the thought of it brings shear panic, we want to be happy and our lives mellow but sometimes we can’t turn our brains off long enough to function that way. We love the people closest to us and we do appreciate all you do for us but sometimes we are upset and hurting and the tiniest thing said will send us down a path of anger or hurt and we know it’s probably nothing and can see and admit that once the cycle goes through but right now all we know is the hurt behind your words. We get tired of constantly apologizing for how our minds make us feel but we love those in our lives and would never purposely hurt them otherwise so it is necessary those loved ones feel and know that love from us. For me personally, I will apologize multiple times a day if it’s a bad day so to all those who stuck around and accept them -thank you. Please be patient with us, it may not look like it but we are doing the best we can and some days our best is simply getting out of bed. If anyone reads this and finds themselves facing similar issues the best advice I can give is talk to someone-anyone you feel comfortable with whether is a best friend or online help site trust me the minute you get it all out and in the open you start the process of feeling like a real person again and those loved ones hopefully will understand and offer nothing but love and support. I have bad days, I have good days, and I have meltdown apocalyptic everyone hates me days but I try and I fight and I won’t stop fighting as long as it’s left in me. I am not perfect, I am flawed and different and I don’t think like you do nor do I want to because I am who I am and I can accept that. I am not “crazy” or “weird” or “stupid” for the issues I have and can’t help it, I own it although at times it may take me a few hours or days to admit when I’m wrong but I eventually come around and admit it. We are all unique in our own ways and we all have things we struggle with that’s what makes us unique to one another. It’s okay to admit to having a mental illness it just means you are so awesome your brain couldn’t handle it or that’s what I tell myself but most importantly I am a human being just like you-I may be a little more extreme in my moods but I have worth and I am not broken.